


you can feel it till its gone (then you want it to reclaim yourself)

by dr33g



Category: Fire Emblem Echoes: Mou Hitori no Eiyuu Ou | Fire Emblem Echoes: Shadows of Valentia
Genre: Angst, Body Dysphoria, Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Character Study, Flashbacks, Fluff, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, M/M, Oh, Past Misgendering, Trans Male Character, also clairs trans. just saying, ask to tag im stupid, i didnt finish echoes because old mans mire sucks and im bad at video games, i think, if there wasnt a trans character just cuz i said so would this be a dr33g fic? no it wouldnt, just a warning, loving a horse because horses are the best, mom said its my turn to write fernands backstory, most of this fic is in flashbacks so its mostly in italics WHOOPS, mostly - Freeform, not on purpose but like. yeah, uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-11
Updated: 2019-05-11
Packaged: 2020-02-29 20:08:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18785305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dr33g/pseuds/dr33g
Summary: Fernand feels himself be hit with Rinea’s magic, and he nearly begins to cry. He laughs instead.When he heard the phrase ‘your life flashes before your eyes’, he hadn’t realized it would just be him watching himself become so terrible his family would disown him and knowing he can’t do anything about it.Because it already happened. It’s too late.The wound burns and bleeds slowly. He will die from this, he knows. He can see his intestines hanging out of his armor. Blood is coating his mouth and he chokes, unable to breathe through it.He should feel more pain, more fear that he is dying.Instead, he is relieved.He missed them.He missed themso much.





	you can feel it till its gone (then you want it to reclaim yourself)

**Author's Note:**

> OK SO SKOSDJGOAKSDJGIJFDKS i've been working on this for so long and im SO glad its done. god. this was a labor of love let me tell you i fucking love fernand ok. i hope this fic can make u love him too  
> also i know horses cant see colors the way we can but i made vivian before i knew that and its too late now so shes just a special horse that can see all shades of color ok ???????

_Verna is only 5 when she first meets her aunt. It’s unfortunate that her rowdy nature and sharp tongue have already manifested by then because her aunt is appalled._

_ “How dare you insult me like this!” she cries. _

_ Verna shrugs, replying, “What? You’re stuck up. I simply said the truth.” Verna’s aunt, Teresa, turns red at this. _

_ “Were you not simply a child, I would beat you for this! Oberon, if you cannot teach your daughter manners, then I will have no choice but to hire someone to do it for you!”  _

_ Verna did not know that this decision was going to ruin her forever.  _

_ If she had, she would’ve tried to stop it. _

_ Instead, she stuck her tongue out and made a farting sound. _

_ \--- _

Fernand feels himself be hit with Rinea’s magic, and he nearly begins to cry. He laughs instead.

When he heard the phrase ‘your life flashes before your eyes’, he hadn’t realized it would just be him watching himself become so terrible his family would disown him and knowing he can’t do anything about it.

Because it already happened. It’s too late.

The wound burns and bleeds slowly. He will die from this, he knows. He can see his intestines hanging out of his armor. Blood is coating his mouth and he chokes, unable to breathe through it.

He should feel more pain, more fear that he is dying.

Instead, he is relieved.

He missed them.

He missed them  _ so much _ .

\---

_ Verna is given a horse when she turns 7. Her father shows her the steed, silver and white, eating in the fields. Her father tells her the horse is only a year or so old because he wants them to be with each other for as long as possible. Verna tugs at her braids, which are tied off with her favorite green ribbon, and walks up to the animal. Behind her, her sister Myriam, age 10, is cheering her on. Verna is scared. But she’s also excited. And stubborn. She can already hear her stupid governess that her aunt pushed her father to hire saying, “Riding is unrefined for a lady like you, Verna.” Verna laughs in her head. Her father gave her the horse, so her governess, Piper, can eat  _ shit _. _

_ Verna does not now that her stubbornness will be the only reason this horse will become her best friend, and that were she weak-willed, the horse would be sold within the hour. _

_ But she does find out quite quickly that the horse is not a fan of her. _

_ The horse, upon seeing Verna, immediately rushes over and begins to bite her braids. Verna, terrified, runs to her father’s side. _

_ “I had heard this pony was a bit unruly, but… Verna, I’m so sorry. I will find you another steed.” _

_ “No! No. I  _ will _ make this horse like me. Promise me you won’t get rid of her or hurt her. I want to do this. Please, father?” Verna begs. Her father sighs but acquiesces.  She grins wide and hugs him. _

_ She turns to the horse, eyes narrowed with determination. _

_ This horse will be her friend. _

_ She’s sure of it. _

\---

Fernand is sure Berkut hardly notices his absence. Good. 

Fernand hates to admit it, but the betrayal stings more than the wound that is killing him does. 

However, he shakes his head. He knows he does not deserve to linger on such simple things. 

He is a terrible man who has done terrible things. 

But he can warn the others. If he can make it.

He leans against the hallway, panting, as he takes steps towards the entrance. His intestines are clutched in his arms so he does not trip on them.

He’ll make it. He has to.

\---

_ Every single day, Verna tries to approach the horse. _

_ Every single day, the horse rushes at her and bites her braids and her dresses, and Verna runs away in terror.  _

_ However, she’s adamant she’ll befriend the mare.  _

_ “Why do you keep going after the horse if it keeps biting at you?” Myriam asks while they have their afternoon tea. She drinks from the teacup that Verna picked out for her, just as Verna drinks from the one Myriam chose for Verna.  _

_ Her father and mother’s teacups remain in the cabinets, each chosen by Verna herself. She has a love of teasets and choosing them for her family members is something she’s proud of. It’s the only truly ‘feminine’ hobby she likes.  _

_ “I do it because I know I can.” Her sister laughs. _

_ “Your stubbornness is going to get you hurt one day.” Verna puffs out her chest proudly. _

_ “If I don’t get to them first, you mean!” _

_ \-- _

_ The next day, Verna decides to stand her ground. She goes out to the horse and stands there, eyes shut to make sure she doesn’t run away. She hears the galloping and stiffens. The mare comes up and bites her braid. Verna shrieks but keeps her eyes shut and waits. The horse doesn’t tug very hard, and Verna peaks open her eyes.  _

_ The horse is chewing on her ribbons as if they are the evilest thing she’s ever seen. Verna laughs. _

_ The next day, she comes out in red, and the horse greets her with joy and excitement rather than malice. _

_ Verna hugs her horse, now named Vivian, and cries out of joy. _

_ She’s made a  _ friend _. _

_ \--- _

Fernand’s mind, busy dealing with the pain, suddenly remembers Vivian, and he turns pale. She won’t know where he’s gone. He can’t say goodbye to her.

“I’m sorry, Vivian. I’ll wait for you in the afterlife, that I swear.”

\---

_ “Verna!” Piper yells, slapping the girl across the face. “You cannot skip your etiquette lessons for riding. I knew getting that horse was going to be a bad influence on you. You don’t even ride side saddle like a proper lady! You’ve even dirtied your riding pants! What do you have to say for yourself?” _

_ Verna just clutches her red cheek, tears running down her face. _

_ “Sorry, Madam, I won’t do it again.” _

_ \-- _

_ The first time Verna has to deal with death, she is only 9. Her mother has always been sickly after Verna’s birth, but it suddenly takes a turn for the worse. Verna finds herself at her mother’s bedside, clutching a hand she may never find warmth in again. She is the last to have her moment alone with her mother. _

_ “Momma… Why are you leaving me so early?” _

_ “Oh, my darling Verna, it is simply because it is my time. If I could stay, I would. But Mother Mila and Father Duma call. I cannot ignore it.” Verna begins to weep. “Do not worry, my darling. Mila will accept my soul into her loving arms and Duma will protect it until you join me. I’ll be waiting for you and watching over you, okay?” Verna sobs as she feels the life ebb out of her mother.  _

_ “Okay, Momma. Okay.” _

_ “Good. Now, get your father and your sister. I believe it is time.” Verna nods and rushes out of the room, pulling in Myriam and her father. _

_ By the time they get back, her mother is already dead. _

_ \--- _

“Mother… I’m coming.”

\---

_ Verna’s father rarely goes to banquets of any kind. He prefers spending time with those in the village and helping them however he can. And even when he does go, he doesn’t take Myriam or Verna with him. _

_ So when he asks Verna and Myriam to prepare for travel, Myriam just 14 and Verna 11, Verna finds herself very confused. _

_ “Why are you taking us?” she asks the night before they are to leave. _

_ “It’s about time the two of you started meeting the nobility of Zofia. After all, I cannot take care of you by myself forever, and you’ll become the wives of their children someday.” Verna suddenly finds herself nauseous. She isn’t sure why.  _

_ “I- O-Okay, father. I’ll get packed. Are we riding?” _

_ “Yes, though make sure you don’t get too dirty on the way there. We’re only a few hours travel. Pack for four days, alright? I’ll see you in the morning.” Verna nods and runs to her room. As Piper helps her undress into her nightclothes, she notices that, well-- _

_ Her breasts have started developing. _

_ She nearly pukes on the spot. _

_ She pretends it’s nerves for the banquet tomorrow. _

_ She knows it’s not.  _

_ \--- _

Fernand feels his breath come in shorter and shorter spasms. He reaches under his arm and pulls off the enchanted bandage he’s worn for most of his life since the day he got it. It shifts under his tug and slips off easily, as it was charmed to do. He abandons it on the floor. The bandage was only made to hide the breasts he developed as a child. It couldn’t stop him from dying now, as it was always meant to be loose on the body, making it easy to breathe in while still hiding his chest. It couldn’t save him now.

He’s glad his armor hides the change in physic. He doesn’t have time to be nauseous over his body.

He’s dying, and he has a message to give before he does.

\---

_ The day of the banquet arrives, and Verna’s more nervous than she’s ever been. She’s expected to go around and greet the other young nobility. She’s expected to hope one of them takes a liking to her so that in a few years she can be married off to them. _

_ She’s hiding outside in a tree instead. _

_ “Hey!” an unfamiliar voice yells from below. She starts and nearly falls out of the tree. _

_ “Don’t startle someone in a tree, moron! I could’ve fallen and hurt myself! Hmph!” She crosses her arms and closes her eyes, annoyed. She cannot see the person below, but she can guess that they’re as young as she is, maybe a year or so of a difference by the voice. _

_ “Sorry! Wait, hold on!” The voice yells and Verna looks down to see a boy with golden curls climbing up the tree to join her. He climbs quickly and with practiced skill, and she finds herself admiring that. “Pull me up onto the branch?” She nods and helps him up to sit next to her. He sighs happily and looks at her with a bright smile. “Hiding from the nobility, too?” She scoffs, embarrassed, but nods after a few moments. “What’s your name?” _

_ She turns to him, unsure, but says, “Verna of LeV--” _

_ He cuts her off, saying, “I’m, uh, Jesse!” He offers her his hand. He doesn’t seem to care about her status.  _

_ Her face feels warm. She likes that. She shakes it and smiles. “Did you climb up here yourself?” _

_ “Oh, yes. I know it’s not very ladyl--” _

_ “Wow, you must be really agile! I don’t think I could climb in a dress.” Verna’s smile grows wider. _

_ “It’s a skill I had to learn because of my stupid, ugly, mean governess. She burned all of my pants!” _

_ “What? Ugh, that’s stupid!” _

_ They talk for the rest of the day.  _

_ As the sun set, they climbed down the tree. Verna swiped off her dress, prepared to go inside and eat dinner and then leave, but Jesse grabbed her hand before she could leave. She turned. He didn’t let go. _

_ “Can I kiss you?” He asks. Verna turns red and a small flutter in her chest that has been growing all day suddenly amplifies tenfold.  _

_ “Wh-Why?” _

_ “‘Cause I think you’re really cool! When I get older, I want to marry you and go on adventures with you all across Zofia.” _

_ “What if--” She stops. She’s had this thought a few times back home, but ever since the mention of her being someone’s wife at some point, it’s been all she can think about.  _

_ “What if I might not be a girl?” she--  _ they _ whisper.  _

_ “Why would that matter?” Verna flushes deeper and smiles, small and timid. _

_ “Oh. Yeah, you can-- Um. You know.” Jesse laughs and pulls them close and pecks them on the lips. They’re only 11, they are innocent and do not know how to kiss the way adults do. It’s sweet to them both all the same. _

_ “I’m going to run away soon, but I promise I’ll find you one day!” Verna nods. _

_ “I’ll wait, I promise.” Verna runs inside and feels their heartbeat in their cheeks and into their ears and everywhere. _

_ They smile. _

_ They’re in love. _

_ \--- _

Fernand thinks to the only person he’s ever kissed and uses that to push himself forward. No matter how much it hurts, he uses these thoughts to give himself the energy. He walks so slow, but he can walk just a little faster. He must warn them. He must.

“Sorry, Jesse, but I’m afraid you’re too late.”

Little does Fernand know, Jesse is approaching the very castle he is in with Princess Celica.

Little does he know, Jesse was planning on keeping his promise. 

\---

_ Verna meets the Sine nobles when they have just turned fourteen. They’ve been their neighbors for years but never have they reached out until recently. Verna is afraid it’s because their son is also fourteen, and they want him to court them. _

_ It turns out, it’s nothing of the sort.  _

_ “I’m going to be a knight someday!” says Clair, only 6. _

_ Clive shakes his head, “You cannot be a knight, Clair, you’re a woman.” Verna fumes. _

_ “She can be whatever she wants! Hell, I’ll teach her to ride. We’ll both be knights!” Clair cheers and Verna puffs out their chest, pleased. _

_ Clive laughs and Verna feels something they haven’t felt since the day they were kissed under a tree by a boy they haven’t seen since. _

_ They turn red. _

_ “C-Come on, Clair, I want to show you Vivian! Clive, you can come, if you want.” He nods and smiles at Verna and they feel their chest tighten. _

_ Fuck. _

_ \-- _

_ “Did you know that when I was born, they thought I was a boy?” Clair says. _

_ “Wh- Huh?” _

_ “Yeah! I looked like one, but I told my dad I was a girl and he said ok! So I get to be a girl now!” _

_ “Hey, um, do you think your dad could talk to my father about that?” _

_ “Why?” _

_ “Because- well- I think I might be a boy.” _

_ “Oh! Sure!!” _

_“Thanks, Clair.”_ _  
__“You’re welcome, Verna!”_

_ \-- _

_ Verna is 17 when he signs up to be a knight of Zofia.  _

_ “Family name?” _

_ “LaVerde.” _

_ “That’s odd, I thought Oberon’s children were both girls. Myriam and Verna.” _

_ “You must’ve misheard.” And for the first time, Verna utters his new name. “My name isn’t Verna.” _

_ A pause. _

_ “It’s Fernand.” _

_ \-- _

_ Fernand is 19 when he’s in his first real battle. Two years of grueling training have prepared him for this moment, and he’s incredibly excited.  _

_ It’s nothing huge, just bandits attacking a village, but the fact that he finally gets to do what he’s been waiting to do for so long has him smiling as he rides towards the battlefield. He’s got his lance in hand and Clive rides next to him. A senior officer leads the battalion. They are a moment away from the village, and Fernand calls to Clive. _

_ “Don’t die.” _

_ “Right back at you, Fernand.” The senior barks orders and they get in a starting position. The goal is simply to kill or incapacitate any bandit they come across.  _

_ Fernand readies his lance. _

_ “Hya!” _

_ \-- _

_ “Hold still, please. This will hurt, but we must reset the bone before we can use a stave, or the body will just heal in the position it currently is. Bite down on the towel given.” He bites down and nods to the healer. She nods back and begins gently moving his arm back into place. She was right, it hurts. Understatement of the century, he’s sure. Luckily, she moves quickly and within moments his arm is laying out straight. She picks up her stave and begins healing.  _

_ He’s never liked the feeling of being healed. It feels somewhat unnatural, like his body is pulling itself together with rope and hoping it sticks. At least the pain is over, he thinks. The healer presses on his arm, and he winces. It’s a little tender.  _

_ “It might ache for a while, but it shouldn’t hurt more than a bruise. Let me know if you have any other problems,” she says. He nods and leaves the tent. He rubs the spot, sore, like she says, and walks to Clive’s tent. _

_ It’s been harder than usual to be with Clive lately. Because Mathilda is always there, and Clive loves Mathilda, and Mathilda loves Clive, and Fernand loves Clive with all of his very being. Fernand loves Mathilda, too, just like he loves Clair. But he cannot stand watching the man he loves court, and eventually marry, someone else. And he knows it’s going to happen. They love each other. _

_ Why wouldn’t they? _

_ Walking into Clive’s tent, he feels relieved to find that Mathilda isn’t there. He feels ashamed that he doesn’t want her around, since she’s lovely and kind and like Myriam but calmer, but it hurts too much. Watching her and Clive do a dance he cannot participate in might tear him apart. _

_ Fernand is torn from his thoughts when Clive asks, “Ah, Fernand, how is your arm?” Fernand rubs it absentmindedly. _

_ “Fine. You should’ve seen the enemy,” he boasts. Clive laughs. _

_ “Take better care of yourself next time. I don’t want you bleeding out on the battlefield.” _

_ “Oh, I won’t. Vivian would be sure to drag me back to camp.” Clive laughs again and swats at Fernand.  _

_ “Seriously. Be safer next time.” Fernand sighs, but nods.  _

_ “I will.” _

_ \-- _

_ Fernand is 20 when Mathilda and Clive are married. He is the best man, and he cries multiple times during the service. When asked why he says it’s because he’s so happy for them.  _

_ It’s because he’s watching the man he believes to be the love of his life get married to someone else. _

_ \-- _

_ Fernand is 21 when his father remarries.  _

_ “Why? Why would you betray mother like this?” He cries. _

_ “I am doing no such thing. Your mother, Mila provide for her soul, said she wanted me to be happy when she was gone. She asked that I get remarried if I wanted to. And I do.” Fernand snarls and storms off. _

_ \-- _

_ It is a year later when his baby brother, Willow, is born. _

_ Fernand never knew what it was like to love something so much, but he understands this now, as he holds his baby brother to his chest. _

_ “Hello, Willow. I promise I’ll keep you safe, okay? I’ll protect you.” Newborn Willow simply turns and clings to Fernand’s finger. _

_ And that is enough. _

_ \-- _

_ Another year later, his little sister, Whitney, is born. _

_ He feels the same sense of love towards her that he did Willow and makes the same promise. _

_ \-- _

_ Fernand is 24 when he is asked to become the captain of the Knights of Zofia after his senior officer retires. _

_ “Why me?” _

_ “You aren’t afraid to do anything that is necessary. You’re a hard worker, and you have a firm will.” Fernand is silent for a moment. _

_ “I’m saying no.” _

_ “Why?” _

_“Because I am not a man people rally behind. Do you know who is?_ _  
__“Clive,” Fernand says._

_ \-- _

_ Fernand takes every furlough he can. He needs to be with his family, he needs to watch his little siblings grow up. _

_ Willow is timid and hides behind his little sister more often than not. _

_ Whitney is feisty and says strangely violent things for a 3-year-old. _

_ Fernand cannot imagine a life without them. _

_ \-- _

_ It is when Fernand turns 27 that his life turns to shit. His family is killed by Commander Slayde and blamed on the local peasantry. Fernand spends months wondering why people that loved his family so much would kill them. Why people that were receiving the food his older sister needed to live thought the LaVerde’s were hoarding food. _

_ He never makes the connection, too lost in his own grief. _

_ He pushes away Clair, Clive, and Mathilda, seeing them only as a reminder of the family he does not have and bitter that they are alive while his family is not. _

_ You know how the rest of the story goes. _

_ \--- _

“Clive!” Fernand calls upon reaching the castle’s entrance, finally seeing another person. His resolve crumbles and he falls, feeling familiar arms catch him. 

He nearly tells Clive he loves him in his last moments, but he realizes a man such as him does not deserve that. Instead, he apologizes, hoping it will suffice, as he is dying.

His vision fades, and he waits for Mother Mila’s voice to envelop him and take him away.

\--

But it doesn’t. 

He feels his wounds, his blood, his intestines, all pull themselves back together in a way that’s both familiar and not. The same, sickening feeling of being healed, with another factor of strangeness to it. It’s almost as if time is being turned back on his body.

He blinks his eyes open, looking down at himself, and he turns his vision up to see a cloaked figure in white with a hand outstretched. 

“Welcome, Hero, to Askr, a place where those who exist in other worlds come together to fight for a new cause. Do you take the call to arms?”

Fernand closes his eyes and thinks. He thinks of the family he has waiting for him in the afterlife. He thinks of Clive, of Mathilda, of Clair, of Willow, of Whitney, of his mothers and his father, of Jesse, of every person he had met before this moment, and who they believed him to be. He hears Vivian whinny behind him and laughs. That’s one less thing to be worried about. 

He thinks of everything he’s done in his life, of all the terrible things and good things he just saw in his mind as he bled out on the castle floor.

He thinks long and hard.

He looks at that hand.

And he takes it.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so so so so so much for reading !!! i hope you enjoyed it !! please kudos and/or comment if you enjoyed, it means the world to me !  
> also please talk to me about fernand. please. please. pl


End file.
